As a mom, do you ever feel defeated and like you’re not enough for your kids? I do. Here is my message to my girls and where I turn for the truth.
Some days I feel like I can’t win.
I’m doing everything I can to love and serve my three girls, and then my efforts blows up in my face. One kid is complaining, one has a boo-boo, and one is flopping on the floor in tears because she wants to snuggle, but I’m bringing in the groceries.
I feel like I can’t meet the needs of my children all at once.
It might be the nature of raising kids 6 and under, or the reality of life in a big family. But there is only so much of me to go around. And while I know they will learn to wait their turn and share, some days I end up feeling defeated and like I’m not enough for my kids.
So, today I wrote this letter to my kids to tell them how I feel, how much I love them, and to work my way back to remembering that the grace of God covers all my shortcomings.
To my darling daughters who get my leftovers when I help your two sisters:
To my oldest:
My heart hurts when you ask me to help you do your hair in the morning but I have to get the 2-year-old dressed before we dash out the door.
I want desperately to help you learn to do your hair the way you want and to help you understand how to express your true beauty, inside and out. I promise to work harder to make more time to help you. I’m sorry when I fail you, it rips me up inside.
I see you being creative and a helper with the littles when I make dinner or work on the blog.
I’m sorry you often have to wait so long for me to tuck you in at night because the littles are acting up or fussing. I hate it when our time gets interrupted, and even though I come back after stepping out, I don’t want to make you feel less important.
You’re a big girl and can do more for yourself, but I know you still need me just as much, even if in different ways. I love you so much and I’m praying that I can show you that through my actions and words.
To my middle:
You’re big enough to play independently when I am changing a diaper or putting your little sis down, but I know that you still crave my attention and time. I hear you asking me to come play or look at your project, and I’m sorry when I can’t get there, or worse, when I choose to finish my task instead of responding right away to your voice.
Boundaries are good, but I feel like at times I wait too long to come to you. I never want you to feel like I’m too busy for you or don’t want to spend time with you.
You are so hilarious and funny and I want to foster your creativity and help you grow. I love doing puzzles with you and I’m so glad we have our time together during B’s nap.
I know that when I’m cooking dinner and P is doing art or homework, that sometimes you act up because you want attention. I’m going to keep learning how to include you in the dinner process and help you find activities when your big sis can’t hang out. I love you!
To my youngest:
In some ways you get the most of me and in some ways you get what’s left after I take care of the big girls. I miss the one-on-one time we got back when you were an infant. You take such long naps (praise the LORD!) but sometimes that means I feel like I don’t see you all afternoon!
You have to sit in the car seat while we drive over the entire state of Washington to get your sisters to their respective schools. All you want is to “GET OUT” and run around and be a two year old! I’m sorry that as the third and youngest you have to do so much waiting and sitting in the car.
You’re such a patient little gem and a daddy’s girl, and I hate it when I can’t pick you up right away when you need snuggles. Your middle sister still needs a lot from me and sometimes you have to wait for my attention. I do my best to include you but sometimes it just doesn’t work for us all to be in a tiny bathroom at once with a full froggy potty that needs dumping.
I love you and I can’t believe that one day you’ll be 16 and driving, because right now I just want to keep you little.
To my girls, my darlings:
I love you with all of my heart. Being in a family of three kids, you have already had to learn to share so much, including sharing me.
Sometimes my heart feels like it’s breaking into three pieces and none of them are big enough to give you the love you need.
I wonder, do you feel rejected? Do you understand why I can’t help you right now? Is my love and care enough to give you a solid foundation for the future, even when I feel divided and it’s a crazy zoo and I spend hours getting food on the table and you won’t barely eat any of it?
I’m learning that God is the only one who can love you enough.
I can’t, though I try. My love for you is bigger than the seas, but still I am trusting Him to fill in the gaps. To let you know His love which is far more powerful than mine, and is always with you. You always have His attention.
He can help you forgive me for when I fail you. He can help me forgive myself and live under the banner of His grace. God is helping me to see that I am not enough on my own, but He can redeem anything and everything.
I can learn and grow to become a better mom to my girls, but He is like a Tidal wave of love and mercy and grace over the whole thing.
Thank you Lord. I can’t do this without you. Thank you for my beautiful daughters. Please help me to show them Your love. Please show them Your love in spite of me.
Girls, run to Jesus. His arms will never fail you. His love will never leave you. He gave you me, so I’m going to be the best me that I can be, with His help. I love you forever.